I fall apart, I'm back where I began, if it were anybody else but you I would not be afraid, a total calamity, the choices i have made...

I'm ready for 2011. Some how in the 3 years of living in LA I've managed to come full circle. Good or Bad. I did it. I lived. I didn't learn. Some how that doesn't seem like the definition of insanity but it has to be. I did some of the same exact things I did the first year i moved here yet more unsuccessfully... if thats even possible. I literally saw the same 3 guys. Each relationship ended the exact same way if not worse and did I learn a real lesson? maybe... This year I am determined to be different. I am determined to make different choices and let go of the past. It's the past for a reason and as much as I wish people changed and grew the only person I can control is myself. So I promise to be better. I promise to change. I will focus more.. I'll make better choices. while that path seems lonely it feels like the only right path to take

RADAR

RADAR (Britney Spears Cover) by Britney Spears Cover song

You guys need to check out this cover by one of my very talented friends and front man of an awesome indie band "Pullman Standard". His music is awesome but he was able to bring a lot of beauty and emotion into this song. Which is a good segue into what I want to write about today. So here it is Aug 12, 2010. I've almost been in LA for 3 years. Where did the time even go? Am I star. nope. Am I even C list personality? nope. Boyfriend? nope. Weirdly enough very interesting things have been happening. Things have somehow managed to come full circle. It's good and bad at the same time. I'm still working in the service industry but I'm bartending so money is slowly becoming less of an issue, I'm getting ready to get back into my acting classes and I've finally completed the demo reel I've talked about for 3 years. I'm ready and I've been ready for awhile to take the next step. But, thats something people say but I finally feel with all the things that have happened over this past year. I'm actually ready for it all... love. success. and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with taking the next step. So here I am. I'm ready... lets go.

i have never been this sick...

I have never been this sick! On Monday I finally went to the Dr after feeling horrible for 4 days. Turns out I had bronchitis/walking pneumonia. Awesome. I felt like death. Walking up 3 flight of stairs felt like i had just run 12 mile or well in my case a 3 mile marathon. So, for the past 4 days I've been living every 12 year old Japanese boy or in this case my brothers dream. By sleeping as much as I want playing video games and watching anime. Yes, those are things I've chosen to do while I've been sick. I could be reading plays and watching movies and yet I chose video games and anime but the prince of tennis (anime) and final fantasy XIII have kept me thoroughly entertained. Sorry this blog is so lame. I just have nothing to report other than I'm sick and I haven't left the apt in 4 days.

refocus pt2

So, it's been awhile... AGAIN! almost a year. So here's the updates: I'm moving again :( but I'm moving in with one of my best friends :) I have a new agent who is actually sending me out and I am SAG eligible which I have been for awhile but I just like saying it! Still single but not hating it and I currently don't real have any guy drama. The only issue which is the same issue i always have is MONEY. I need to make some, save some and be able to play with some. I'm going to keep this one short and sweet and come up with some fun stuff to talk about in my next few blogs.

xoxo

Moving is a Bitch!

So my title says a lot of it but moving is a bitch. First of all you realize you don't have enough good friends. People who will come and help you even if that means just getting you motivated to pack one box. Also I think you learn a lot about who you are when it comes to moving. I LOVE to procrastinate. I think I've loved it my entire life but I guess you could say I'm not really procrastinating. i don't have to be out of the old place until June 30th and it's the 17th and I'm sitting at my desk in the new apartment typing this blog anyway. Back to what I was saying I think you learn how self sufficient you can actually be. I know that my parents worry about me. Especially my dad he is the one to help me do EVERYTHING. every move I've ever made my dad has been the one packing the car yelling at me for not packing any boxes (which I still don't do apparently) and making the whole thing happen. Well in this case he couldn't and I know that it made him very nervous because my plan involved two guys a uhaul and just winging it. Which in my case could mean disaster. But, I am proud to say that I think I handle this move very well. As you can see by the picture above. I not only moved I also painted and that could be a different blog because painting alone sucks too! So, I guess the moral of the story is that I need new friends..lol.

Stalking

I've been stalked actually this past year a few months after I moved to LA. (sorry I didn't tell you Mom & Dad) It turned out fine. So, you think that me of all people would know better than to stalk other people... LOL. Now I just red flagged myself. The kind of stalking I'm referring to is what I like to call web stalking. It's not actual hurtful or harmful stalking. It's just checking up on people. i mean the world is a scary place. You don't know anything about people. I mean there is only so much you can tell about them and getting to know them and I mean really know somebody enough to decided whether you should continue to know them can take months to years or weeks if they are real freak shows. So, i turn to my friend the Internet. First googling a person can tell you a lot. First if they are on the radar, second what pages show up when you run their name. This doesn't apply to everyone but I love to date other actors. Sometimes I find out they are gay for pay (next please) or they did a small indie film and got a great review or a terrible review (at least they are working) or they have a fan club dedicated to their deuschyness (lol.. joined. JK!) Any way without the Internet you would of never known any of those things. Next you check out their myspace/facebook page if they are open and you aren't friends with them. Do a little recon such as how many girls are in their pics, how many of the comments say sweetie, hun, lover, baby, or lover baby or any combo of those words. Could mean they are a player or a lot of girls want them. Then I think do I want to be one of the many? Move on to interests do we have anything in common? music, books, shows, movies or does he just look sexy with his shirt off and depending on the kind of relationship I want the last one can be enough (lol).
So moving on I like to date actors AND musicians. So watching projects they are in and listening to their music can also give me a sense of their aura. In every song does it sound like he is really torn up about his ex (sensitive) In every film does he play the guy that flips and looses control of himself and goes on a screaming rampage (anger issues?) and every now and then you'll stumble upon a reality show where the person is being "themselves" but in a reality TV sort of way. I don't judge books by their cover obviously I do my research. But, sometimes you just don't like what you find out and it's not their fault.
So, maybe I should hang up my staker-pants but I'd like to refer back to my other blog where I told the true story of a girl losing her finger due to stupidity and prob not doing enough research...

For the first time in a long time...

I've never really been on my own. My parents have always been either a 2 hour drive, a 10 hour drive or a two hour plane ride away. For the past year and eight months I've actually been on my own. For a while I had a pretty dependable boyfriend but stayed in that relationship to long out of fear of being alone. You think I wouldn't mind seeing is how I live alone and spend the majority of my time alone. So, when I first moved it was pretty easy. It was me and two suitcases that weighed about 50lbs each. I moved into an apartment that was empty and for the most part stuff was delivered to me. I'm getting a little nostalgic I'm leaving my first real home. The place that after I come back from work. I love being and even though the walls aren't painted and it doesn't really look like an adult apartment. I loved it because it was mine. Monday I sign the papers and move into my new place. It's scary because when I came to LA i didn't have any actual baggage except for the emotional baggage i tend to carry. Now as I move I have a lot of physical but less emotional going with me. The idea of moving is great. The actual moving is going to be a bitch and I don't really have anyone here to help me and that is scary but I guess that is what money is for. You don't have to have friends when you can just pay people to do what you need them to.