Moving is a Bitch!

So my title says a lot of it but moving is a bitch. First of all you realize you don't have enough good friends. People who will come and help you even if that means just getting you motivated to pack one box. Also I think you learn a lot about who you are when it comes to moving. I LOVE to procrastinate. I think I've loved it my entire life but I guess you could say I'm not really procrastinating. i don't have to be out of the old place until June 30th and it's the 17th and I'm sitting at my desk in the new apartment typing this blog anyway. Back to what I was saying I think you learn how self sufficient you can actually be. I know that my parents worry about me. Especially my dad he is the one to help me do EVERYTHING. every move I've ever made my dad has been the one packing the car yelling at me for not packing any boxes (which I still don't do apparently) and making the whole thing happen. Well in this case he couldn't and I know that it made him very nervous because my plan involved two guys a uhaul and just winging it. Which in my case could mean disaster. But, I am proud to say that I think I handle this move very well. As you can see by the picture above. I not only moved I also painted and that could be a different blog because painting alone sucks too! So, I guess the moral of the story is that I need new friends..lol.

Stalking

I've been stalked actually this past year a few months after I moved to LA. (sorry I didn't tell you Mom & Dad) It turned out fine. So, you think that me of all people would know better than to stalk other people... LOL. Now I just red flagged myself. The kind of stalking I'm referring to is what I like to call web stalking. It's not actual hurtful or harmful stalking. It's just checking up on people. i mean the world is a scary place. You don't know anything about people. I mean there is only so much you can tell about them and getting to know them and I mean really know somebody enough to decided whether you should continue to know them can take months to years or weeks if they are real freak shows. So, i turn to my friend the Internet. First googling a person can tell you a lot. First if they are on the radar, second what pages show up when you run their name. This doesn't apply to everyone but I love to date other actors. Sometimes I find out they are gay for pay (next please) or they did a small indie film and got a great review or a terrible review (at least they are working) or they have a fan club dedicated to their deuschyness (lol.. joined. JK!) Any way without the Internet you would of never known any of those things. Next you check out their myspace/facebook page if they are open and you aren't friends with them. Do a little recon such as how many girls are in their pics, how many of the comments say sweetie, hun, lover, baby, or lover baby or any combo of those words. Could mean they are a player or a lot of girls want them. Then I think do I want to be one of the many? Move on to interests do we have anything in common? music, books, shows, movies or does he just look sexy with his shirt off and depending on the kind of relationship I want the last one can be enough (lol).
So moving on I like to date actors AND musicians. So watching projects they are in and listening to their music can also give me a sense of their aura. In every song does it sound like he is really torn up about his ex (sensitive) In every film does he play the guy that flips and looses control of himself and goes on a screaming rampage (anger issues?) and every now and then you'll stumble upon a reality show where the person is being "themselves" but in a reality TV sort of way. I don't judge books by their cover obviously I do my research. But, sometimes you just don't like what you find out and it's not their fault.
So, maybe I should hang up my staker-pants but I'd like to refer back to my other blog where I told the true story of a girl losing her finger due to stupidity and prob not doing enough research...

For the first time in a long time...

I've never really been on my own. My parents have always been either a 2 hour drive, a 10 hour drive or a two hour plane ride away. For the past year and eight months I've actually been on my own. For a while I had a pretty dependable boyfriend but stayed in that relationship to long out of fear of being alone. You think I wouldn't mind seeing is how I live alone and spend the majority of my time alone. So, when I first moved it was pretty easy. It was me and two suitcases that weighed about 50lbs each. I moved into an apartment that was empty and for the most part stuff was delivered to me. I'm getting a little nostalgic I'm leaving my first real home. The place that after I come back from work. I love being and even though the walls aren't painted and it doesn't really look like an adult apartment. I loved it because it was mine. Monday I sign the papers and move into my new place. It's scary because when I came to LA i didn't have any actual baggage except for the emotional baggage i tend to carry. Now as I move I have a lot of physical but less emotional going with me. The idea of moving is great. The actual moving is going to be a bitch and I don't really have anyone here to help me and that is scary but I guess that is what money is for. You don't have to have friends when you can just pay people to do what you need them to.

you hold me down

I've been in a lot relationships where this was the breaking point. Don't do this and we may make it... I found a letter that said I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down. You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now. Safe from a few of those late night episodes. missed opportunities up.. i don't care. There's not a lot that I feel obligedel to share or talk about. I'll have my brother stop by this saturday to pick up my things just make sure you are not there. This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..I love you, however, You hold me down (x 5).
You're the echoes of my everything, You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.You're the laziness of afternoon, You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.How will I break the news to you? (x2)
Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline, feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out. You hold me down (x 4).
You're the echoes of my everything,You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.You're the laziness of afternoon,You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.You're the leaky sink of sentiment, You're the failed attempts I never could forget.You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..How will I break the news to you? (x 6)

Are you my type?

So, over the past year I have been offered the opportunity to be on several reality dating shows. My dad frowns upon reality and anybody who is a "real" actor would to but I have two friends get great opportunities because the did reality TV. One of whom was in Canada filming Saw 6(?). Any way back to my point. My mom however did want me to do it. She has basically told me if I'm not married or at least in a good relationship by 30. Shes putting me on the bachelorette. So, recently my mom was telling me about a show on vh1 called Tough Love. It's a mother- son team that are matchmakers and psychologists. They analyze your dating style. Now I do somewhat regret not doing this show because at this point in my life I think I could use some dating help. I met a guy recently. He is funny, sweet, sexy and apparently very LA. Which is my nice way of saying kind of a deusch. It's really disappointing. I heard a horror story about match. com. A friend of a friend went on a date with this guy. But stupidly the date was at his house. He was having a bbq with a bunch of his friends. Red flag number one don't go to someones house you don't know. Apparently they weren't such a match.com (I had to I'm sorry) and they ended up arguing. I don't know how it happened but as she was trying to leave he slammed her fingers in the door. severing one of them. True Story and there was nothing anyone could really do b/c she voluntarily went over there. So internet dating sounds out. In the end once upon a time I dated a few great guys. So, it can't completely be me. I'll just have to keep taking the good with bad and keep my armor on. I'm off to battle again.

shallow is as shallow does

Now, i feel obligated to write about the way LA is even though all I was really going to write about getting my last my SAG voucher. I'll go off topic. Do guys just flirt with anyone or do people actually still act on impulse or when they are attracted to another person? AND, if they are attracted to the other person why wouldn't they ask for their number? i mean if they don't does that mean they aren't interested? If they aren't why did they flirt to begin with? And would they feel weird if a woman asked for their number? Would they feel like it was to easy and their wasn't a chase? So many questions. No answers. It blows my mind that anybody gets together and stays together. I'm in shock and awe of my friends who are married and have kids. They must think my life is crazy. I still live and act like a 20 year old. Half the time that's how old I feel but it amazes me and I strive for that, and maybe one day I'll find it and I'll know and be as certain as they are.

The devil

He's not the real devil and unfortunately one out of every 3 guys I date becomes "the devil" . But as of now this guy is. He may not deserve devil status but he's pretty awful, and I always make excuses for him. He has had terribly bad things happen to him, and maybe it's that psych minor of mine but I forgave him. I forgave him for the most heinous things because I feel sorry for him. I could imagine how I would feel if what happened to him happened to me. I would be a pretty horrible/messed up person too. So, I feel compassion towards him. I mean it shouldn't be his eternal get out of jail free card but I get it, and that's what kills me. I can't help but try and be nice and compassionate towards him but all he does is try to tear me down, make me look bad, and feel bad for being who I am. When all I have to say is that over the years I've had lots of people like me for who I am. It's bad i get to rip the band aid off every week even before the scab ever really gets to heal. We work together. That's why the say you don't shit where you eat but in LA it's hard not too (lol). I accomplished a goal today, and that is a big deal. Its a really big deal, and I should get to be proud of myself. I am. I truly am. So, I toast myself! I made goal and I reached it, and now I get to move on. I now have something else to look forward to. So devil go back to hell. I may see you later but now is not our time. rest in peace.

You're Just An LA Boy.. A Spoiled Little LA Boy

Now this blog wouldn't be any fun if I didn't talk about the men over the past year and half. It sounds weird to say men but that's how it is in LA and possibly NY. Dating is hard. You don't want to be that needy person who wants or needs a relationship but it's really hard to get any relationship past the "talking" stage into actual dating. So who to start with...

The Model/ Bartender
I'll just refer to him as Angel the very sexy under ware model/bartender. We had glorious relationship of a month (sort of). I met him at work. We went out that night. Hung out with him and all his friends. I think we hung out once or twice more before I became what I would refer to as Wends night. He would call me every Tuesday to make plans for wends night. He would wine and dine me and treat me wonderfully BUT I made the rookie mistake of letting him know I liked him and then it was game over. A few texts here or there then nothing. I kind of think he had a ms. monday, tuesday, thursday but what are you going to do? He will still one of the nicest guys I've met thus far.

Luckily in true LA form I was talking to two other guys at the time ;)

(1) The Funny Guy
I'll call him Mr.Smith. I met him through a mutual friend. Didn't think much about him at first until we had the opportunity to hang out one on one. Sweet, Funny, Goofy, Outrageous, and SKETCHY!! I still have not met someone who could disappear like he could. So we hung out as a group the one night. Then he asked me on a date. Great Date! I had butterflies, I liked him but I was scared of him. I had just gotten out of a situation that left me closed off and afraid to let myself like someone because I wasn't prepared to be ripped open and stomped on again. Mr.Smith sort of acted like he fell hard and fast which in turn scared me more but then by the time I finally started to let myself like him he got sketchy. After our first date I didn't hear from him again for a week. Then finally he calls asks me out again. Another great date. Then I don't hear from him again for another week. This game goes on for three months. We basically went on our first date 7 times at least. Red Flag my then friend tells me to be careful because he is still trying to work things out with his ex. Which was exactly what I didn't need. Eventually enough is enough. I tell him I can't do this anymore and he can play this game with someone else. Funny story is that we are still friends to this day. He is still super sketchy and back with his ex but it is nice to hear his voice every now and then.

The Prick
I almost don't want to mention anything about him other than he is the worst kind of guy. A shameless, spineless user AND he is fully aware of all of his actions. He is social climber in the worst kind of way. He builds you up only to tear you down. I believe in karma and he hope he gets his one day very soon.

then there was...

(2) The Asshole-Prick
The Asshole-Prick parades around as a nice guy and in the beginning is/was a nice guy. But he is a succubus. He ruins things and in turn tries to ruin you in the process. He is not happy with his life there fore you should/can not be happy with your own. While most people only think bad things about other people. He tells you those bad things that you should never say out loud to another human being whether you mean them or not. He drains you of any self confidence or pride you may have. he wants your outlook to be as bleak as his. He lures you in and completely blindsides you with this other person. The ultimate Jekyll and Hyde.

and that was that. enough of a distraction to get off course lose 10lbs only gain back 20 and now lose it again. So as you can see I'm single again but very, very happy and surprisingly despite all that still very optimistic about love and what dreams may come. But for now I'll keep kissing frogs and keep my fingers crossed that one day one might turn into a prince.

Refocus

I do this from time to time. I start my blog then I stop. Well I've decided to start again. I think it's a great time because I'm moving once again. No, not from California just to another apartment in California. I'm moving from the fabulous Studio City to NOHO but while it seems like a down grade it is actually an upgrade and I see it as the beginning of a bright new chapter in my life.

In acting when you start to slip out of a scene one of my many teachers would say take a breath and refocus your attention so that you can get back into it, and depending on the scene you have to do that several times because you always want to be alive and present not just a set piece. I feel like that statement has been a reoccurring theme of my life. Sometimes I get distracted and I have to take a breath and refocus. So that's what I'm doing a new start with a new job and a new fabulous apartment! I'm going from 1277.96 to 965.00 and no that is not a typo! I was so afraid that I wouldn't find what I want, and I have. That plus more! So here I am refocusing paying less rent so that I can get back into my acting classes and really, really focus on what I came out here to do and what I came out here to be.

I'm going to go back in time a little and write about some of my experiences from when I first got here because you can't learn from the past if you refuse to re-examine it.